All-Juice Team

The team consists of players who were either known to have used juice, or have been alleged to the point that we all know they have. This blog was in the works from the beginning of this season with the Barry Bonds trial, but became a necessity with the Manny Ramirez debacle. Feel free to comment and let me know who I missed!

Manager: Jose Canseco (OAK, TEX, BOS, TOR, TB, CWS, NYY)

BEFORE: Jose Canseco. Kinda a big dude to begin with.

OK, so the big guy has no managing experience. However, he has the most known juicing experience of anyone. Therefore, he is a natural fit to manage the All-Juice team. He will lead the team with an unparalleled knowledge of PED’s, and is the poster child for MLB juicing. Do you think MLB is sorry for blackballing him?

AFTER: Huge dude. At least he doesn't hide anything. I respect that, I guess.

C Ivan Rodriguez (TEX, FLA, DET, WAS, NYY)

BEFORE: Pudge as a rookie. I'd classify him as "wiry."

Pudge pisses me off. Maybe because I grew up a Piazza fan. Maybe because he was one of the more selfish catchers of all time (receiving the pitch correctly to get a strike < throwing out a runner on a steal). He is one of the few people (along with Roger Clemens, Raul Mondesi, and Andruw Jones) who made me say “Damn, I have to root for him?” when he was traded to the Yankees.  Played his first 5 ½ full seasons with fewer than 20 HR and blew up to 35 HR and 113RBI in his MVP year of 1999. One of the better defensive catchers of all-time without the juice, but one of the best catchers of all time with it. Implicated like crazy in multiple juice reports, but never entirely substantiated.



AFTER: There's only one other way I can think of to get forearms like that....



1B Rafael Palmeiro, (CHC, TEX, BAL, TEX)

BEFORE: Imagine how skinny he'd look WITHOUT the mustache...

One of the poster children for how the juice can help you out. Raffy came up as an above average fourth outfielder with the Chicago Cubs, who was receiving starters at-bats. His last season in Chicago, at age 23…580AB with 8 HR. His first season in Texas, at age 24….559 AB with 8HR. Then, like most players do, at age 30, ripped off 9 consecutive seasons of 30HR and 100RBI. Wagged his finger at Congress, then embarrassed himself with a positive test for a banned substance. One of the substantiated juicers on this list.

AFTER: I mean, I could've put a picture of him looking huge, but this is much better. Nice job man, way to make yourself look like a fool. Most glaring evidence of juicer HOF impact, as he will have 3,000 hits and 500 home runs and NEVER get in.

2B Randy Velarde (NYY, ANA, OAK)

BEFORE: (on left) Youthful, scrappy, Italian

This broke my heart when it came out. When I was younger, I had a blank pinstripe Yankees T-Shirt that I wrote “VELARDE” on in permanent marker, because I loved him so much. He was Italian, scrappy, and a middle infielder for the New York Yankees. And magically, at 35 years old ripped off a .317, 16HR, 76RBI season for the Angels and A’s. Without any help, he’s likely a poor man’s Pat Kelly or Mike Gallego. Has talked candidly about the juice, so he is another substantiated juicer.

AFTER: Jacked. Legit. Not a utility player.

SS Alex Rodriguez (SEA, TEX, NYY)

BEFORE: Juuuuust a little bit lighter... 

Just looking at A-Rod as a 19 year old young buck, you can tell that he’s beefed up. However, he never gave us a “spike” or a “lag” statistically like many of these others. He has hit over 20 home runs in a season from 1996-2010, with his only lower HR totals coming in years plagued by injury. He’s one of these guys (with a few coming later in this blog) who would have been an outstanding player without any help. Tested positive, although results “shouldn’t” have leaked out. A substantiated juicer.

AFTER: Lil' bit heavier...lil' bit

3B Ken Caminiti (HOU, SD, TEX, ATL)

BEFORE: Known more for his defense and decent stick early in his career....

Prior to the strike-shortened 1994 season, Caminiti had only mustered a career high of 13 home runs. He entered that ’94 season at 31 years old and smacked 18 HR. Nobody thought the lesser of it. The following year, shortened by a late start due to the strike, he smacked 26 and became a legit power hitter. The next…NL MVP with 40. Aside from a four year period from 1995-1998, Caminiti never hit more than 18 home runs. Must have really worked out hard from ’95-’98. Oh, by the way, he was 35 years old at the end of that period. Talked candidly about juice….case substantiated.

AFTER: Still good with the glove, but jacked up. Cammy was a pretty good guy who just got caught up in some bad stuff.

LF Barry Bonds (PIT, SF)

BEFORE: Looking like a 50 SB / 100 Runs Scored a year player....

I don’t think this guy juiced…………OK, that was a test to see if you're paying attention. Barry was a speedy leadoff hitter with some pop when he came up in Pittsburgh, who developed into the greatest power hitter of all-time. Known for his media charisma, Bonds ripped off over 10 straight years as the greatest hitter in baseball. Currently going through a juice trial, during which he will be acquitted of perjury. Evidence is circumstantial…But I mean come on, who grows 6 hat sizes in their mid-30’s? Unsubstantiated….I guess.

AFTER: Could make millions if he marketed his strength training program, no?

CF Sammy Sosa (TEX, CWS, CHC, BAL)

BEFORE: What the mustache did for Raffy, it does NOT do for Sammy. Yeish!

Sammy Sosa was fun to watch, but there has never been more of a cheater. If the juice wasn’t enough, he got caught and suspended for using a corked bat when his bat exploded during a game (BB’s everywhere). A notoriously good liar….”I use this bat for BP to give the fans a show” or “I don’t understand English”(at Congress hearing where Raffy wagged his finger)….could not seem to come up with a good lie when he hurt his back sneezing late in his Cubs career (remember that?). Couldn't come up with something better than that, Sammy? Followed the Bonds plan of turning from a speedy leadoff-type into a hulking power hitter. One of the more bloated heads on this list. As of now, no current substantiation to his juicing.

AFTER: Ahhh, no mustache. Much better. Lovable character.....lost human being.

RF Manny Ramirez (CLE, BOS, LAD, CWS, TB)

BEFORE: Holy cow! What a debut this kid had. One of the more revealing "before" pictures.

I watched Manny’s first professional game on WPIX with Scooter and Murcer. He was a skinny, raw, tough kid who could rake. Juice or no juice, Manny was one of the best right handed hitters of his generation. But let’s be honest here, he’s as juiced up as anyone on this list. His first positive test was for a “masker” (I’m gonna try to hide this sh*t), and his second test resulted in his retirement (When you can’t beat your problems…..run in the other direction). See ya’ later, Manny. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Substantiated.

AFTER: Not such a great debut....

DH Mark McGwire (OAK, STL)

BEFORE: Look at that baby face....

Big Mac captured our hearts. I jumped up and down and high-fived one of my friends when he hit #62. I had grown up such a fan of baseball history, that 61 was as hallowed as any number for me. What a sham. This guy finished in a 3-way tie with Palmeiro & Sosa for most embarrassing performance in front of Congress. (“I’m not here to talk about the past…”) A different story here, though, than with many others on this list. McGwire came up as a power hitter, and had fizzled out due to injury at age 29. He had consecutive years of 9HR and 25RBI in ’93 and ’94 before “recapturing the magic” in his 30’s. Big Mac has seemingly accepted his role as a juicer. Substantiated.

AFTER: Whether you're here to talk about the past or not....A camera does not lie!

Bench: Albert Belle, Gary Sheffield, David Ortiz, Jason Giambi, Juan Gonzalez

A quality group of sluggers here, and a couple of standup guys in Belle & Sheffield. Giambi was a substantiated juicer who was clearly helped by the juice, while Ortiz is an unsubstantiated case….But I mean, come on:

SP Roger Clemens (BOS, TOR, NYY)

BEFORE: A lanky, but big right-handed flame-thrower. Occasionally "balks" like a chicken.

He had to juice to avoid “balking” like a chicken for the rest of his life (Simpson’s fans?). Maybe he should’ve gone with Ken Griffey Jr.’s nerve tonic. One of the bigger d*cks on this list, I’m thankful he decided to juice. We would have never heard “Oh my ….Oh my Goodness Gracious, Jawhn…..Rah-jah Clemens is in George Steinbrenner’s box.” Gets the nod over his ex-buddy, Andy Pettitte, due to his sheer failure to admit to juicing. Left Boston after 1996 after 2 consecutive years of mediocrity (10-5, 4.18 ERA and 10-13, 3.63ERA). “Reinvented” himself in Toronto and became a dominant pitcher again. Unsubstantiated, I guess.

AFTER: Juice wasn't the only thing that did him in....

RP Jason Grimsley (PHI, CLE, CAL, NYY, KC, BAL, ARI)

BEFORE: Unless you're a Yankees or Phillies fan, this is probably the first time you've ever seen Jason Grimsley. He was on the '93 Phillies WS team, and on consecutive WS Championship teams as a Yankee reliever.

You gotta have a relief pitcher in the fold, and he is the only one I know of who has admitted to juicing. Was a horsesh*t reliever until he had his best seasons from age 31-36. Most notably is one of the "rats" of the juiceheads. Didn’t set the world on fire with his juice, but won 2 world championships with the Yanks. What would he have been without it? Tanyon Surtze? Substantiated.

AFTER: So, this is probably the second time you've ever seen Jason Grimsley. Looks a little bigger, I guess.